If a family member, friend, coworker, or acquaintance confides in you that they are experiencing relationship violence, your initial reaction may be to criticize their partner, attempt to resolve the situation, or make decisions on their behalf to remove them from harm.

While this impulse is natural and comes from a place of care and concern, approaching the situation in this way has the potential to overwhelm them. Sometimes, the best way to help a survivor of domestic abuse is to listen and support them as they navigate their difficult circumstances.

Before you can be a listening ear, however, it’s important to recognize the many ways that interpersonal violence can show up in someone’s life. The warning signs include, but are not limited to:

• Their partner is constantly calling or checking in, even at work, and gets upset when they spend time with other people.
• Their partner monitors their activities, money, social media, etc.
• Their partner gaslights them and purposefully makes them feel crazy for their feelings or recollection of events.
• Their partner has sudden mood swings/lacks the ability to regulate their emotions.
• Their partner insults, demeans or berates them, especially in front of others.
• Their partner tries to isolate them from their support system.
• Their partner blames them for everything wrong in the relationship and refuses to take accountability for their actions or behavior.
• Their partner holds the safety of their pets or children over their heads as a way to manipulate them.
• Their partner threatens to hurt or kill themselves when they try to leave.
• Their partner is physically abusive. If you don’t have proof that their partner is being physical with them, keep an eye out for frequent bruises or injuries.

If you see these signs in your someone’s relationship, or they tell you that some of these things are happening, it’s essential that you take it seriously. These are common indicators of abuse and can signal that physical abuse is looming, if it hasn’t already begun.

Now that you are familiar with the signs of interpersonal violence, here are some ways you can provide meaningful support to a survivor who reaches out for help:

1. Believe them, and tell them that you do. A common fear for survivors of domestic violence is that they will not be believed, so validating them and trusting their word designates you as a safe person for them.
2. Do not blame them for their circumstances. Never suggest that they caused or deserved the abuse, or that they could have prevented it. Do not ask why they didn’t leave the first time and do not blame them for staying.
3. Listen to them without trying to take control or offer advice. Let them share as much as they want to and don’t push for additional details if they don’t seem willing to share them. Let them decide what the next steps are and when they want to take them.
4. Don’t forget that the survivor gets to make their own decisions. Some examples of what needs to be their decision are whether they want to report the violence to law enforcement, if they want to use resources you share with them, whether they want to have evidence collected (e.g. a rape kit), or if they want to share their story with anyone else. Never force them to take immediate action and don’t make them feel bad if they choose to take action in their own time or way.
5. Know the resources you can share with them. If you’re a student at NC State, you can refer survivors to the Women’s Center, the Counseling Center or the Department of Risk Assessment. NC State employees can also share concerns with these offices, but will likely be referred to external resources. Unaffiliated resources include the National Domestic Violence Hotline, the North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence, Domestic Shelters and InterAct.

If a survivor of domestic abuse has confided in you about the violence they are or have experienced, you have already helped them. You will not have all the answers for them, but that’s okay. There is great value in being a safe space and supporting them in taking control of their own story. 

If you are identified as a designated official or responsible employee, you also have reporting obligations to the Office of Equal Opportunity. As such, we ask that you share your reporting obligations to the person sharing their experience with you. You may also share resources with them, including information on confidential resources.   

If you or someone you know may be experiencing relationship violence, help is available 24/7. Call the NC State Helpline at (919) 515-4444 (non-confidential) or the confidential National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or visit thehotline.org.

Sources and Additional Research

• “Domestic Violence Resources | North Carolina Judicial Branch.” Www.nccourts.gov, www.nccourts.gov/help-topics/domestic-violence/domestic-violence-resources. 
• “Domestic Violence, Sexual Assault Resources | NC DOA.” Nc.gov, 2024, www.doa.nc.gov/divisions/council-women-youth/domestic-violence-sexual-assault. 
• “InterAct.” Interactofwake.org, interactofwake.org/.
• National Domestic Violence Hotline. “National Domestic Violence Hotline.” The Hotline, www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence. 
• “NCCADV.” Nccadv.org, nccadv.org/. 
• “North Carolina Domestic Violence Help, Programs and Statistics.” DomesticShelters.org, www.domesticshelters.org/help/nc. 
• “Survivor Services.” Women’s Center, 2025, womenscenter.dasa.ncsu.edu/survivor-services/. 

This project was made possible by funding from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security’s Center for Prevention Programs and Partnerships, opportunity number DHS-24-TTP-132-00-01.